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Redefining myself as a writer...

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Redefining myself as a writer...

Mwendwa Bundi Emma's photo
Mwendwa Bundi Emma
·Mar 6, 2022·

5 min read

Hello there sir/madam writer... As writers we're all different in our writing and it has different definitions and meanings for each of us. "...If I write what I feel, it is to reduce the fever of feeling" The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa 1888-1935.

Writing for me is life. It is how I live my life. I cannot do without pen and paper, literally. I have tried the note taking apps and all fancy apps to keep a digital 'record' of my writing but decluttering my mind dwells in putting it on paper. I have written for as long as I can recall, from life, tech, politics, war, to dos, book reviews.... Writing this particular article comes from battling the need to leave it in my journal or put it out here for everyone to read!

As I write this article I am still trying to articulate this incessant need of redefining myself as a writer. I went over my recent articles on Hashnode and needless to say it does not bring me the feeling of satisfaction that I seek from writing. This is not to mean that I am not proud of them, honestly, I am. I joined Hashnode just the other day and I have already gotten 2 invitations to join some publications. That's a confidence booster....but there's this deep searching which makes me want to write deeper, seek deeper, go further, inform, educate, analyse and then publish. But then at what point do you decide "well, that enough researching!"

The Heartbreak My heartbreak comes from thinking that I am not very good of a writer and what I seek might be an endless horizon that is unattainable, unreachable, a non-existent one!!! I know for a fact that lots of beginners struggle with JavaScript fundamentals, right? But every time I want to write about say splices and slices in JavaScript, the inner voice reminds that there are millions if not thousands of articles on the same. So why should I bother? Then there's that voice that reminds you that you might explain it better and the ultimate point is its not about how much but how well. Then you're left to weigh on which voice to listen to. There are so many drafts that I decided will never see the light of the day solely because for me it feels monotonous...from My full stack developer ideal road map, my take on some famous front end libraries, CSS position property layout to integrating some npm packages to your code....you name it Fernando Pessoa continues to write ."What is there to confess that’s worthwhile or useful? What has happened to us has happened to everyone or only to us; if to everyone, then it’s no novelty, and if only to us, then it won’t be understood." I know that it can be argued that I found the perfect author to justify what I feel by quoting him but it feels good to know that your sentiments are shared by other writers too, even though they're in different fields....

Mending the heartbreak Heartbreaks are inevitable. Desmond Tutu said, "...we can face suffering in a way that ennobles rather than embitters. We have hardship without becoming hard. We have heartbreak without being broken.” Does this narrow down to suffering and hardships? Yes! Why? Because I cannot live without writing. In fact, I write better than I speak. Finding myself at a point where I am not able to structure my thoughts and writing in a way that brings me fulfillment breaks me in ways I cant explain. Mending it comes by reminding myself that "Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy." Pema Chodron — When Things Fall Apart

Reminding myself of the writing highs I have had since I was a kid up until now. I am also evolving and becoming and redefining my writing calls for shedding some writing layers when the time comes. I am not the same writer I was when I clocked twenty yrs three years ago. I will not be same writer I am today in a decade's time. Change always needs to be welcomed even though sometimes it knocks at the door inform of hardships, self-doubt, and heartbreaks.

The Redefining The other day I was to write about Consensus Algorithms in Blockchain. On the D-day I woke up and decided I'd write on the CAP Theorem and Blockchain. I just can't seem to narrow down to a consensus (no pun-intended) with myself. I am taking it a day at a time and hugely exploring ways in which I can be at peace with the heartbroken writer in me. I have been reading more into finding my niche as a writer. That IS HARD. I write on tech, world politics, Christ, life... to a point where the words "finding my niche' sound ridiculous to me. But I have been writing for my whole life and writing on all of my interests is the only way I can live my life.

I have had to take breaks from some of my platforms just to figure things out and the clarity that comes from that is overwhelming. Feels like a rebirth... I'd highly recommend breaks. Stumbling on writers who have had similar experiences to this serves as a reckoning that whatever you do, the lows are a part of the highs...

Hopefully in a year's time I will be able to add more on what it takes to redefine yourself as a writer. I was listening to a podcast the other day that asked the need of writing on fitness when the internet is flooded with everything on fitness... Find your niche! That screams how I'm choosing to redefine what I write and how I write. Have you had similar experiences and feelings? Let me know in the comments section.

Happy Reading!